Over the past few weeks I’ve been going through some wounding experiences. I originally wanted to say “traumatic experiences” and this is accurate, but I like wound better. First because the word’s Germanic origins appeal to my origins and second, because wound is both a noun and a verb, as in something you do / is done to you as well as something you have, or carry.
I’m not going to talk about the specifics of what’s been going on. It’s personal and familial and parts of the story are not mine to tell. But I will tell you that these experiences have landed in my body like physical wounds and I will need to heal from them.
No, what I want to talk about here is how those experiences impacted me in the moment. In the moment, these experiences made me feel:
- Dizzy
- Nauseas
- Lightheaded
- Reactive
- Confused
This last one was key. I was aware of the fact that I wasn’t thinking correctly, but couldn’t do anything about it. I knew I needed to plan, but I couldn’t think well enough to do so. Those of you who’ve ever had anxiety or a panic attack or an adrenalin rush know exactly what I’m talking about.
I’m not bringing this up to farm for sympathy (really, I’m not!). I’m bringing it up because, well, a lot of people have been wounded and continue to be wounded by recent and current events. And this is a key point. Let’s say you have a scare — maybe a near miss car accident. You feel the rush of adrenalin and the terrible panic… and then it subsides. You are OK. The stressor is gone and you can release it.
But ongoing stress and fear are different — and much, much worse. When I was specifically dealing with a panic attack, the immediate solve was to remove myself from the situation that was inducing it. But what happens when you can’t seem to do that? Fear of a microscopic foe, rage caused by horrible people saying terrible things, the specter of war… all of these things cause terrible ongoing stress and fear. And they are absolutely terrible for us.
In fact chronic stress is WAY worse for us than acute stress. It increases inflammation which increases the risk of illnesses like cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and Alzheimer’s, changes fundamental structures in our brains in ways that make it harder to avoid anxiety and stress in the future, and can mess up our adrenal glands. We evolved to outrun predators, not to worry endlessly about paying the bills. Our bodies are designed for acute stress, not chronic… and yet here we are in a world that seems designed to endlessly stress us.
Of course there are going to be chronic stressors that we can’t avoid, but if you can, shouldn’t you? I distinctly remember a point at the start of 2020 when I was in the grocery store and afraid to touch the produce with my bare hands. I remember just feeling a kind of ambivalent, formless dread. And then I just decided… to not. I decided not to be afraid anymore. And I wasn’t. I wasn’t afraid of Covid when we were house hunting, when we hired painters, when we booked movers. I wasn’t afraid of Covid when I got cancer and chemo started to trash my immune system (I was afraid of cancer, especially right at the start before I knew how bad it was, but then I stopped being afraid even of that). I wasn’t afraid even when it made sense to hunker down and reduce possible exposure because of my treatment. There was all this health stuff that was legitimately impacting me… but I wasn’t afraid.
It’s the same with rage. Who hasn’t gotten online and started to feel their blood pressure rise? Hasn’t started to feel — and even feed — the outrage. I’m sure we all have, because that’s what the system is designed to do. To feed our anger and outrage and get us spun up on stuff that might not even be real, but even if it is real, we can’t do anything about and isn’t relevant to us personally. There’s no point to it.
There’s plenty to be worried about that does impact us. World War III for example. But again, what can you personally do about it? Pray peace obviously. Don’t spout off about war. Vote against people who seem to want one. Still, if you are not in one of the immediate hot zones, there’s not a lot you can do. And if you spin yourself up now, you may not be able to act or react when the time comes where things are more immediate. You won’t be able to think clearly or plan correctly. Because when you are stressed, you just can’t do those things.
When I look around, I see great swaths of people who just seem on the edge of emotional collapse. People who’ve been terrified for two years, who are routinely frothing about things on line that don’t matter and sharing terrible takes about things that do. And they can’t or won’t get themselves away from the stressors. But the truth is that I don’t look around that often… because I want to protect myself and I know that fear and anger and stress are contagious. But my recent experiences have brought home how terrible it is to live with stress, and how hard is it to heal those wounds once you get them.
Take care of yourself and your circle. Do things that are healing and avoid things that harm. It will make you more able to be clear and strong when needed. It will make you better able to inform yourself and decide for yourself. And in the mean time, do some wound care.
