This has been on my list of topics for awhile, but recent discussions with the Jungian and Gordon’s Foundations course over at RuneSoup kind of bumped it up on my list…
March 2021, I ended my cancer treatment. The day after my last radiation session, my husband and I took off for a weekend to the coast (though it’s not exactly beach weather up here in March) for the 30 year anniversary of when we met.
[Side note, yes, we met young and yes, I’m older than you]
It was a lovely weekend despite the fact that I was very anemic and exhausted and our little old dog reacted to us going away by shitting all over our house (leaving our son to call us frantically for instructions on how to run the carpet shampooer — bless him for his efforts).
That spring and summer was the best of my life. I worked outside every day at lunch and on the weekends. We built garden beds and a chicken coop. I regained my strength. And best of all, I woke up every morning feeling this intense and boundless sense of gratitude. Now, you could argue that anyone dodging death will feel that… and I’m sure that’s true. But my cancer was caught early and my prognosis was excellent. After the first scary uncertain period where I didn’t know what was going on and needed to adjust to the idea of treatment, I took the attitude that of course I was going to be just fine. And by the time I got to the end of treatment, I’d known for weeks that the cancer had been completely removed and there were no further signs of it and no signals in my lymph nodes and so forth.
It wasn’t so much “I just dodged a bullet” gratitude as it was “I’m so amazingly fortunate in my life, and life is completely wonderful” gratitude.
People will say to practice gratitude and try to feel gratitude and keep a gratitude journal and blah blah blah — and it will usually be in either a guilt-inducing way (it could be so much worse you know!) or an outcome-oriented way (gratitude can bring you better results in your life). But let me tell you from personal experience, gratitude feels AMAZING. It’s like the best drug ever, with no side-effects and no cost and just… incredible. I once tried a Xanax and I was like “I can never, ever try one of these ever again, because if I do, I won’t stop, ever.” Gratitude felt even better than that.
So every day wonderful, and most wonderful wonderful! And yet again wonderful. I don’t recall ever having felt like this before. I didn’t know it was possible to feel like this. Because it wasn’t about a specific thing (like being in love with someone) it was about EVERYTHING. And even normal, everyday shitty things didn’t disrupt it. Because there were plenty of shitty things going on in the world the Spring and Summer of 2021 and the usual stressful times at work and just general things that go wrong in life. But still, I felt literally wonder-full, as in full of wonder.
If I could bottle and sell it, I’d be Empress of the Entire World (and the world would be such an amazing place that no one would even mind).
So, the usual narrative here is that I received this gift of gratitude and now my life is amazing and you too can feel this feeling if only you’ll attend my very expensive seminar…
Except, in June of that year, I went home to visit my parents.
My parents have good characteristics (and tough ones, as with all people) but this kind of gratitude wasn’t something they practiced. Their view of gratitude was more… transactional. It was about obligation. Gratitude was something you expressed when you received something and therefore OWED something. In general, needing help or taking gifts was a negative thing because it left a debt. The correct thing would be to repay the debt or, even better, not to get into debt in the first place. This is one of the core messages I was raised with.
The gratitude I felt during the early part of 2021 was different. It was based on gifts (from the universe) that I’d already received and that could never be repaid. It wasn’t about owing anyone anything (except maybe the gratitude itself). Not paying back, but paying forward. Not asking, but openly receiving. Not obligation, but freedom. And it wasn’t dependent on things always being perfect.
Of course, recognizing the programs we receive when we are young is an important first step to growth. Not passing the maladaptive ones on to our own decedents is the next and it’s doable. But not expressing that programing for yourself, in your own life, that’s hard!
My visit home was was the start of a traumatic and sad period in my life that lasted just about 16 months (nodal transits anyone?). And that amazing feeling? It went away. Not that I was miserable the whole time. Far from it! There were lots of happy moments and good things. But overall, it was stressful and tough.
I don’t have a seminar to sell. And even if I did, I’d need to take it myself. What I do have is the rock solid knowledge that awe-inspiring, universal gratitude is possible — and it’s amazing. I’m going to get that feeling back.
That’s my project for this year, in line with my values, and I can’t wait to get started. Most, most wonderful!
